All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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