I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
