there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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