The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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