You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize