i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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