Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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