it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
