the day after is always just damage control
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
