I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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