wanna go halves on a baby?
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
