So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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