Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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