Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
