I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
you will always have a special place in my vag
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
