i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
