my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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