no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
