i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
