My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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