My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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