Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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