I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
