Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
