Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
