Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Randomize
