i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
