I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
