My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
