the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
