cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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