ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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