I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
