Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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