Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Even the bartender felt bad for me
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
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