so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
