I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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