when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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