Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
whose parrot is this?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
