Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
