I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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