I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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