my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
