Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
