just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
