Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
