Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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