I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just forgot I was standing up.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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