There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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