just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
