the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
