Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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