You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
