if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
