and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
