if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
