i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
