Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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