allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize