that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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