WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
