Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
