the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
