i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I want to fling myself into the sun
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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